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February 19, 2013
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I want to get out of here already. My parents are acting like 2 year olds and im tired of dealing with them everyday. All they do is go against  each other and use ME as their alibi. Im sick of being the LOVED ONE in this family. Im always the blunt of their arguments. Kamil doesnt make it any better because all he does is open his stupid mouth and swear like a moron. Rihanna's 2 years old and even shes saying "fuck". I am sooo ashamed i cant even describe it. My mom acts like Rihanna doesnt understand , next thing u know , shes 11 and pregnant and she still doesnt understand. It makes me sick how my mom and greg are raising my bro and sister. All they do is fight and call each other dumber than the other , and throw stupid comebacks that dont make sense. Kamil swears , stays up all night and plays video games , does no chores , cant even DO one as a matter of fact , and in a nutshell hes a spoiled brat. And as for rihanna , shes already turning into a gimme gimme , spoiled , tempered brat (no offense , i love her but i am saying this in honesty and i dont want her to grow up that way). I dont get why  my mom wont pull a belt out already...I GREW UP BEING BEAT FOR THE SIMPLEST THINGS... why is it that THEY are getting both spoiled , and whats up with the favoritism?! My mom acts like she doesnt do it , same with greg ... but they wont admit it (mom spoils my bro and sis while greg spoils me for nothing and i dont want him to...because i did NOTHING but just be NICE...ITS HOW I AM!! ) Besides the way my moms raising my siblings , she acts like shes THE SHIT just because FINALLY in a million years , she has a job!! She treats greg like he doesnt do anything , when in all reality HE CANT because she wont find a baby sitter already , and hes having trouble getting a driving license to actually GO AND FIND A JOB... shes so dumb as a matter of fact , her comebacks are just smartass remarks like "go take your pill" , and thats dumb because hes on depressants because of his foot (which has 6 screws in it from being broken).  And she acts like he uses them to get HIGH other than a good reason like the fact that his doctor PRESCRIBED THEM TO HIM. But then again he actually IS overdosing on them because hes "immune" now because hes taken them for so long...and soon he has to get new pills but my mom wont help him to get to the doctors (he has no license because a long time ago he got a DUI)  , because she thinks its all HER , EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND HER . Shes like that even when I NEED HELP. I help her and i get nothing back. And as for GREG , heh hes not perfect either. He helps...yeah...he takes care of rihanna since theres no babysitter , and alot more ... but HE TAKES PRIDE IN EVERYTHING...he expects a thank you for EVERYTHING and then takes it like its a piece of heaven when i show him a lil affection and thank him for dinner or something like that!!!! IT DRIVES ME INSANE!!!!!! And the fact that he cant stop yelling when he talks makes it worse...TALKING LIKE THIS MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO SPEAK OVER YOU MORE STUPID! NOONE LISTENS TO ANYONE WHEN YOU DO THIS!!! AND YOU LOOK CRAZY WHEN YOU DO!!! Not only does he have anger problems he needs to get over , and his little pride issues ... but he needs to ALSO (like my mother and brother) learn to shut the flying fluck up , and LISTEN (also including my mother). I wish people would listen to me...but everytime i give advice...or try to say something important , its like what i say doesnt matter cuz im just a kid. My words go out one ear and out the other. All the time. Not only just to my family no offense...its like that with alot of ppl i know. Im tired of living with these idiots , they only bring me back in CIRCLES....OVER ... AND OVER AGAIN...  i just wish i can skip all of highschool and go to collegde and learn how to animate better... i just wanna get out of here and become a big time animator , do what i love , and live my life in peace already ... i wish life was easier to run away from your problems with... as of now...id be lucky to take any job...i just want something to help me make sure my escape is complete and easier... i cant live like this...

Im so sorry if i got anyone depressed , or annoyed from reading about my stupid life problem rants...

Its just...i feel like right now...i have honestly noone to talk to with about my problems...

I feel so utterly alone...

This is my only way of getting out from whats in my chest out into the open...

I cant believe anything will help me at the moment but letting myself cry , and let strangers on the internet know how i feel...

Heh...i sound like such a dumb attention whore... fuck my life...
  • Mood: Shitty
  • Listening to: random technos :U
  • Reading: homestuck , and beginning to check out off-white
  • Watching: gargoyles
  • Playing: pokemon red
  • Eating: im hungry...
  • Drinking: coke
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:iconmisomie:
Misomie Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm going through something similar-ish right now (at least emotional-wise).

Back story: A few years ago my parents divorced after my mom cheated on Dad. My brother and I went to live with Dad and we moved in with Grandpa. My sister moved in with Mom. (before the split my the tension between the severing family actually made my sister and I get into violent fights a few times. Our relationship is ok now though)

My Grandpa died a few weeks ago. Since my dad has to pay my mom child support he can't afford to keep the mortgage payments up on Grandpa's house for too long so we have to sell. I'm basically in charge of finding the new home (we're going to rent for a few months and then hopefully buy; I can't tell anyone about the buying part except for a select few).

My brother is super spoiled as well. No one disciplines him and he's gotten worse. He breaks down if you only slightly insult/tease him. He also seems to think that his computer time is the most important out of everyone else's (he yelled at me the other day for telling him to hurry up. I'm 18, he's 11 and WAY out of line). Basically I have to walk on eggshells as not to set him up as it would upset my dad and I'll be the one in trouble. -_- (if I complain to dad about the computer-hogger, he'll threaten to take it away entirely.... He also claims that I should be able to control my brother. I can't win.)

And then there's my dad. I think that he might be clinically depressed (though he'll never admit it). He almost always manages to bring my mood down a few notches by making whatever topic we are on depressing. Like my brother he is quick to anger.

Then there's my mom. I stay at her house once a week to make money. She has been going to school for ages now but still hasn't graduated. She also hasn't gotten a real job in ages (I can't even remember when she had one). She basically mooches off my dad and her boyfriend who doesn't always have a job as well (contractor).

Then there's me. I'm expected to balance all of this and the weight if really starting to affect my emotional stability. Normally I'm carefree and always happy but lately my mood has become darker. I also have a very powerful sense of empathy and often feel as if I'm absorbing everyone's stress. A few days ago I caught a cold. The thing is I don't get sick. At all. Stress has impaired my immune system. I've also been having problems falling asleep and making myself take showers.

Then there is my homework. However, due to all recent events, I have a hard time focusing on it and I barely care when I don't do it. My grades have taken a turn for the worse. Yesterday I was feeling slightly better and so I took a picture of the other night's homework so I could look it over for the quiz the next day as I wouldn't have access to my textbook that night. My teacher thought I was just wanting to copy it down to turn it in. This really hurt me due to my sense of morality. I would rather fail than cheat. That knocked me out of my good mood and resulting in me not bothering to study at all. I'm pretty sure I failed it.

Today at school my mood was really dangerous. By the end of second period I wanted (really wanted, more like a desire) to shove random students to the ground and seriously injure them, just because they were in front of me. Not even people I have bonds with were safe from this pure aggression (I actually hate people as a whole, however I normally just ignore them without feeling any aggression). I was able to calm myself by drawing during my next few classes, but my mood was still dark for the rest of the school day (in this state I'm incredibly easy to anger).

The worst part? I just want someone to confide in but I can't with anyone. I'm not the type to seek comfort, even if I really want it. My "best friend" shattered my trust when she let my bird die (she was watching her along with her own bird and forgot to feed and water them. She was there because I was living at her house that year. I had to leave for a week because she was going out of town. They would have been fine for a week because that's how long their supplies would last. However I stayed at my mom's the next week and returned to find the pair dead.), the sad part is that she still thinks that she is my friend and that I've forgiven her. I really just want to beat her down and crush her (emotionally of course) but I won't because like you, I'm too nice. I can't tell either parent because they won't be able to help and my family ties with them are growing weaker and weaker. I also don't like breaking down in front of people so I can't bring myself to anyone face-to-face. Which also means I can't tell my teachers about what I'm going through. I can only hope they notice my grade drop and assume something is wrong.

Then there are the additional little things. Double standards are getting me the most. My dad is the best at making these. For example, since we are moving soon we are going to be changing school districts. I have been going to my old school (the one before I moved in with my Grandpa) this whole time. My dad shows open annoyance to my stubbornness but already fully supports my brother doing the same thing. My brother hasn't even brought it up yet and my dad already assumes we'll want to. I can't stand this. He is so spoiled, it's not fair. My sister and brother are also awarded for having good grades. They're just expected of me and hence I get nothing, barely even any praise.

All this has been wearing me down and I just can't wait for school to end. I was planning on living with one of my parents for a few years as I build up some money and a reputation as a fursuit builder, but I might end up leaving a tad earlier because I can't stand the stress. The other night I wanted to break down and cry just to get rid of it. I only feel better when I do something creative or physically tiring.

However, I know it will be over soon and I just have to buckle down for a few more months.

Sorry for dumping this all out. I too just needed to find a stranger to pour everything out to.

I hope you can put up with it for a little longer as everything does eventually come to an end (such as with me I no longer have to be involved with my parent's fighting, it was horrible). Try to endure your situation without loosing yourself in the process.

As I said, my situation is different but the emotions you described are pretty much what I'm feeling. If you need to let your emotions out again, I'm here and open too it. People seem to like telling me things in real life, maybe because being around me is calming or something? (I'm not really sure actually but I have had people I barely know talk to me out of the blue)

I don't know how much help I'd be but I'm willing to try.
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:iconshiroho:
SHIROHO Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
oh hey , my parents divorced the same way! though i do blame my own father because he wouldnt quit the drinking (i havent seen him for at least 6 years now :/)
and...im sorry about your grampa. my friends also passed away not too long ago :(
omg my bros the same way! but hes only 2 years younger than me -.- , hes 14. My parents bought a mac for themselves , but somehow today after all the moving , he owns it. wtf? i hate parents like that , totally irresponsible if u ask me. Sure i bet he doesnt want u two fighting ... but he should be able to teach ur bro not to act like such a prick. heh ive lived like this for too long >:/ i cant stand my mom and the way she treats him , he swears at her and even disrespects her by callin her a bitch D:
as for my sister , well...you read whats goin on with her...also bein spoiled but she hasnt shown her ego yet.
lol my mom used to do the same too :'D now that she has a job , she complains that her boyfriend (greg) is a lazy piece of crap that does nothing but eat her food and sleep. but at the same time her job isnt even that high paying...i think she gets only at least 500 bux a week or less. greg would be bringing in twice as much but shes stubborn and wants him to watch my bby sister till 4pm evry day.
I wish you the best :( i know what youre goin through , its like ur a chain link conencted to other chain links , and theyre all pulling on you in all directions , weakening you...
so far our stories match btw. im not doin great in school either. im too tired to even look at a text book and i try bullshitting my work , or i cheat online , but even then im too stressed to even bother and i dont do it. i feel bad for cheating , but i just have no other options because i need the grades. you cant be anything in society without them sadly...the worlds fucked up. i could be an animators apprentice at the moment , but no i have to learn things i will never use in my life. its wasting my time and talents.
heheh i usually just choose not to give any fucks for the people around me. i just ignore em...but occasionally i do feel like kicking their asses , but i know i cant because im 5'4'' and 102 pounds...id probably be GETTING than giving the ass kicking. today during my lunch period , stupid assholes like to push their way to the door and everyone goes into a pushing frenzy. i wish there was more security that cared at these moments...i almost got my arm broken because these 2 guys pushed into my arm at the corner of the door. my left arm felt like it was gunnu snap.
sorry about your birds :( i know how ya feel with animals but in my case I was the one who got blamed when there was no proof. i was invited by a person i knew in elementary school , she was the new owner of the class guinea pig. so i knew the lil guy cuz i took care of him on the weekends sometimes. i asked if i could hold freddy because i missed the lil fluffball. and she said "yeh go ahead :)" , so i did , but i sat while holding him because i felt hed like being closer to the ground...then he peed in my hands -.- i dropped him barely a foot away from the ground , my friend say this , and got mad even though she say me drop him out of reaction. she then yelled at me that he was sick , but it was her fault for letting me hold him. i wouldnt have if he was sick. the next morning , some of the girls stayed over the night , only to see freddy pass away. and then the rumor "guinea pig killer" spread , and i was childishly hated more than i was then for no reason. they just blatantly blamed me for his death. when it couldve been of natural causes , guinea pigs dont live THAT long and he was an adult. i still miss him and i wish it ddnt have to end for him. but i still hate that i was blamed for it. it was another era of just my crappy life.

heheh but still...honestly i think our lives are very much rather alike when it comes to our problems ;u; my friends also look to me to comfort them , and even i feel i have no shoulder to cry on when im lonely , and i cry soooo much when im home because i overthink about my future and what im gunnu do...heheheh im even thinkin of fursuit commisioning as well xD

dont worry. i ddnt mind reading your thoughts. i wanted someone to do the same. im glad im not alone at least , and your story helped me a bit too. i hope your alright. if all else fails , go to your friends. i think theyre the best ppl u can talk to :)

lets hope we can both push on and make it through ^o^ and kick life in the rear.
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:iconmisomie:
Misomie Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, everything dies in the end. Sad truth of life. (Luckily I'm pretty good with naturally caused death)

I know right? My brother is super annoying. He's spoiled rotten but both parents refuse to deny it. If my dad is too strict he hangs with my mom. If she's too strict he hangs with dad. He is so obvious when he uses people, it sickens me. (luckily my sister and I share this belief and rant about it all the time.)

I hope my mom gets a job soon. If all goes according to plan and my sister moves back in (as she's getting sick of being treated the way she is), my dad plans to cut back the child support and then if she tries to go to court he can point out that the more money she takes, the less money he has for the children. (he's given this lots of thought)

I know right? I wish people would let me live in my own little world so I can avoid theirs. I'm much too young for all this adult-level stress. @_@ (people already think I'm older than I am because of my usually relaxed personality, I don't need to look that old so early)

Gah. Stupid homework. I haven't done barely any of my homework and I refuse to copy. Tonight I'm going to actually do some and then catch up over the weekend, I can't afford to keep my low grades on my last year of high school. (it would make one heck of a sob story for colleges though, even though I don't plan on going XP)

I'm not too big myself, but I'm not afraid to go against bigger people (even if I know I'll get my butt kicked if I tried. I've gotten to the point were I no longer cringe when I'm yelled at; I actually sometimes start to laugh or smile because of how ironic those situations are). What total jerks! Knocking people aside is one thing but almost breaking an arm is another. It should be a sin to harm and artist's arm. :K

The sad thing is that only one of the birds was mine. The other was hers (mine female, hers male). That sucks to be responsible for helping cause a death. I've done this to a few fish without knowing until I was the cause after.

I've gotten to the point were I can simulate a conversation with someone to slightly alter my mood (I'm getting fairly skilled at it. Once I was able to become enraged with my dad because I imagined he was responsible for the death of my fake dog... My imagination is much too powerful sometimes o_o.), sometimes more. I guess our lives are pretty similar. I was in too bad of a mood to recognize it yesterday. Yeah, I like the task of fursuiting and I want to be able to make it my living as I can't see myself doing some other job (having fun is better than having money but being miserable).

I'm doing much better today (I just needed to pour out everything I was keeping bottled up) and felt much freer (more like my unrestrained self again). I was able to hang out with my friends again and talk normally which felt great~

Exactly, bring it on world. :K
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:iconauddits:
Auddits Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
D: Don't be stressed!
I can relate a bit to how you aren't heard. I honestly can't do a thing in my life because mine are overprotective and they think I'll get kidnapped, raped, mutilated and left in a ditch somewhere to die whenever I mention walking out of the house. OTL
Because I'm like this, my words get subdued because they don't think I'd know anything more than what they know. However, my mom's more flexible around things and would listen sometimes. My dad never listens.

Anyway, I think instead of yelling back or trying to scream for your voice to be heard, don't try to. Since it appears that they want to yell at everyone without reflecting back on themselves, just try and stay calm even if they're really pushing your buttons hard. If they won't push your siblings onto the right path, try to take on the role instead. My brother pretty much half raised me by listening to me and helping me grow despite my closed off opportunities. Since your sister is still young, you can try and teach her what's okay to say and what isn't. Her mind's still absorbent.
Even if it seems like everything's already going downhill, if you focus on your goals and the future, it'll probably begin to clear once things start going your way. You're almost out of high school anyway.
College is a really big step. No one spoon feeds you anything (dependent on the school probably) or gives you a clear outline of what's for the day you come in next and etc. Money troubles and all that start happening and worries just escalate even more. But be strong, you'll get to your destination soon :c

I know I can't understand every single emotion that you feel when you step into something like that, but I can try to help cope if you want. D: I'm here too D;
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:iconshiroho:
SHIROHO Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
lol my mom listens too but she never helps :'D
though the overprotectiveness isnt something i mentioned , my moms the same way. makes me wish i was born a boy so that she wouldnt hav to worry about me being soooo vulnerable -.-
i mean im not stupid of course xD i never walk alone.
as for teaching my siblings , rihanna has a chance , but my brothers doomed. hes ignorant.
its k brah , i understand , though ironically i feel like u do anyway :'> thanks for the support.
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:iconmirera:
Mirera Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey, hey... note me your cellphone number? We can text, and talk if you want to. Pleeaaaseeeee?
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:iconshiroho:
SHIROHO Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
lol i honestly would but i have no phone :'D
my phone got stolen a few months ago during life guard training , by a friggin hispanic janitor lady >:/
(dont trust them its a conspiracy)
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:iconmirera:
Mirera Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh. :c
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:icondark-river-mori:
dark-river-mori Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013
:hug: you can always talk to me :huggle:
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:iconshiroho:
SHIROHO Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
i could...but what i mean is , i have noone going through the exact same experience as i am. if only i could show you , that would make it easier to understand...i wish i had someone here right now :'(

but thank you mori...i appreciate it alot
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